Ann-Marie is kicking cancer’s ass

It’s been a while!! I’m pooped. Chemo 3 went better than chemo 2, but with Christmas in the middle of it I am a little more tired than usual. Or it could just be the chemo… who knows. I continue to workout regularly despite being tired. I also ran today for the first time in ages!!! It was COLD! I’ll try again tomorrow and hope to increase my stamina.

The next few days will be focused on New Years and then my birthday! I’m excited to be celebrating with good friends at my favourite restaurant ??.

I wish you all a belated Merry Christmas and a healthy prosperous 2018!

My second chemo round was horrible from day 1 to day 7. For this 3rd round I needed to take control, so I decided I was going to workout every day right from the beginning. On actual chemo day (I go once every 21 days) I ran 3k before chemo. In the evening I did about 25 burpees. The next day I went to Carla’s and we did a full workout and I was almost as strong as I usually am. I also did about 20 burpees before going to bed.

Today was the hardest because I had to motivate myself to get up off the couch… that’s the hardest part, the second hardest is actually staying on the damn treadmill. But I did it, for 30 min. I followed up my 2.5k walk with 15 burpees. And I feel so much better.

Exercise is really the best medicine! I feel better, not a hundred percent but definitely better. I have also not taken any of the “as needed” nausea meds which seem to make me feel worse but does take away the nausea.. it’s a double-edged sword ugh!

Tomorrow and Saturday Carla will do her magic and I hope I can be ok by Christmas Eve, but I’m being realistic and know I may not be.

For now I will keep

Yay! Chemo 3! Last of the chemos that make me feel sick and midpoint to being done this phase. I’m not relieved yet because I only just walked out of the hospital an hour ago and I know the worst is yet to come. Considering I started feeling nauseous while still sitting in the chair, I believe this is going to be a doozy! Ugh.

I wish I could say my chemo session was relaxing and quiet… Remember when I had surgery and I couldn’t handle the noise? Well this chemo I had the loudest lady next to me whose husband was getting treatment. She insisted on making a dozen calls and we all got to hear them! Omg it was painful… Carla was with me and she spoke to the nurse who obviously did not feel comfortable saying anything to the woman. Thankfully we were getting out of there quickly, however the poor people around had a ways to go….

So here I go with this lovely week.. hopefully Christmas will help speed up what feels like an eternity. I wish you all a very merry Christmas! And a happy Hanukkah!

As the week comes to an end, I am almost breathing a sigh of relief. Almost but not quite because next week is chemo #3 AND Xmas! So this week I have been not only preparing for Christmas since I will be out of commission, but also physically preparing for the destruction of chemo.

Destruction is really an appropriate word since not only are the cancer cells being destroyed but also my body. I become a hundred year old lady who can’t function on any level; my body or my brain. It’s extremely frustrating and difficult to navigate through. Since I despise the complete lack of control I’ve decided that for next weeks chemo I would step it up a notch and will continue to workout with Carla at as high of a level as I can. Not sure if it will help the side effects but I am really hoping it does and I breeze through it.

On to bigger more important things than chemo… Wednesday night proved to be my first experience with a different side effect of cancer. Shane came home complaining of pain going from the right side of his back to the front. Upon hearing this I immediately took his temperature and discovered he had a fever of 101 which quickly went up to 104. After administering Tylenol it came down but by all the symptoms Shane was describing, we decided to take him Emergency. Of course I couldn’t go…. because I can’t be exposed to all the illness that are in emerge. So I had to sit at home … and feel completely useless and incapable of being there for Shane; I could not be the mother I usually am or want to be. This new reality hit me hard… I never imagined that my motherhood would be in question throughout all this. Where I have been many times grateful for how cancer is changing my life, for this I am not grateful at all. But again, there is absolutely nothing I could do about it…

Shane is now on antibiotics and on the mend. After blood tests, ultrasound and X-ray, they are fairly certain he has a urinary tract infection. And of course when it rains it pours and Madison is also sick. She appears to have a cold, again! Somehow keeping everyone healthy while I’m going through chemo is proving to be quite a challenge. With excessive hand washing and lots of oranges and clementines, I have kept the viruses away from me. Let’s hope it continues or let’s just hope everyone stays healthy after this round of illnesses!!!

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For all of you on Facebook, last night and today has presented most of us with our “Year in review”. My own unedited version was a reminder of how my year has unfolded and has made me pause to consider all the events of my 45th year.

I remember thinking this year would be a great one… I had a great job working with people I truly care about and a loyal caring team who went above and beyond anytime I asked anything. My kids were so much more independent allowing more freedom to Dan and me. My circle of friends was rich and supportive (and I don’t mean rich in the monetary way ?). I was doing things I loved; riding ? , running ?‍♀️, singing ?, working out ?. My life was settling in just fine… I was happy. But even though I was happy, I was stressed. And I was tired, so tired.

Today, now, I’m not sure if great would be appropriate – perhaps life changing because this has definitely been a life changing year.

Sometime in February of 2017 I started to have pain in my hand, which then moved up to my arm, then to my neck. In April (ish) I noticed that I had a dimple on my right breast. I kept this to myself for months. I think the first time I verbalized this fact was to my singing teacher in late June after a long conversation about Feng Shui and feeling the need to centre myself and my life. Because the fear of cancer was already in me… and I was starting to look at the reality and I was trying to take control where there was none or even the possibility of it.

Although I had that conversation in June, I only got myself to the doctor the last week of July. From there everything went quickly.. and on August 25th I was diagnosed with breast cancer. From August to my surgery on October 6th, it was an emotional rollercoaster ride. The cancer diagnosis went from not so bad to pretty bad at stage 3. It had spread to my lymph nodes, and not just a little, a lot! All of my sentinel nodes (4) had cancer – not good. They took out 11 in total, but the sentinel nodes were the key. What did this mean? It meant that the cancer had either been in me a long time, or that it was much more aggressive. Suddenly this became very serious to me and my determination, my expectation of those around me, my instinct to fight for my survival became all encompassing and very unforgiving for anyone who wasn’t onboard.

All those around me stepped up, more so than I ever imagined. I was humbled day after day by the support of so many, and this continues today. People’s actions and support have been probably one of the biggest life changes I have experienced.. because it changed me, it touched me to my core, it made me believe in humanity in a cold heartless world. I kind of feel like Wonderwoman did when she realizes love is the strongest human trait that perseveres and overcomes all evil. Everyone’s love around me is propelling me forward to overcome the evils of cancer. Like Wonderwoman, I will bash it, crush it, annihilate it until it’s gone from my body.

My family, Dan and the kids, have lived this year with me, seeing the good and the bad. Chemo is not easy, not easy at all. And I’m healthy and strong. I can only imagine how hard it would be for anyone who is not physically prepared for chemo or cancer. With the help of my trainer and friend Carla, I continue to work my body even though I sometimes don’t feel like I can. I do it anyways, and I am always stronger after which shows me how critical and important my body is. Without it I have nothing, therefore I must make it the number one priority.

Finally, one last life change to note of many more, is my mind. Putting into words how my mind has changed is very difficult. I have overcome so much in my life I never imagined I would need to fight again. But cancer has forced me to fight harder than ever, and every tragedy that I lived before is ever so present for me now and today. I feel all the loss, I feel all the love, I feel the anger, I feel the disappointment, I feel the frustration. And I now am acting on it. Changing things; my life, my expectations, my willingness to please and accommodate, etc… all the things that made me put myself last. I now have to be first, because otherwise I will die from this. And I refuse to let that happen. And so now my mind is at peace, it’s accepted all the tragedy, all the pain and all the disappointment.

To sum it all up, this year has saved me. From my family, my awesome friends, my Sienna family, my Facebook friends, my twitter peeps, my instagram friends, the love and the support have proven there is so much good in this world and touched me. And all those gifts have changed me in a way that has reawakened me, my determination, my path in this world. I am not inconsequential, I am not just another face.

I will persevere and fight into 2018 and the rest of my life, because that’s just what needs to be done for me, for my family and especially for Madison, Shane and Dan ❤️❤️❤️

I am finally feeling better, not 100% but definitely better. Dan and I took Keela back to Joker Hill and I was able to walk so much faster and further than I had on Saturday. Saturday I had to hold onto Dan to go up the hill; today I pranced up it!

Later this week I will return to my mission to keep my body strong in between the chemo treatments and will work out with Carla a few times. Hopefully I can also start to run again… although it makes me a bit nervous with my PICC line I am still determined to do it.

This round has shown me how brutal cancer can be, especially for a control freak like me. My patience was non existent and every one around me suffered for it. I was uncomfortable, nauseous and incapable of controlling my emotions… so if I got impatient my fuse was extremely short… I can only anticipate that the next round will be even worse and ask for forgiveness ahead of time ?.

For the moment, I’m going move forward and focus on what’s coming. Tomorrow I meet with the radiation oncologist to discuss what the plan will be after chemo and how I can preserve my skin for reconstruction later.

I look forward to more walks in the forest and feeling normal again ❤️

This has not been fun… I can only be brutally honest and say that it has sucked and so have I. I’m still not good, so this will be very short.

I’ve felt pretty bad since day 1 and am working my way through all the different side effects that I did last time. It’s just harder this time for some reason. The PICC line is a royal pain in the ass and I want it out. It did allow me to have IV hydration which I’m fairly certain helped over Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday.

Hopefully tomorrow I start to feel better…

Today’s visit to the hospital was so smooth and quick that I completely forgot to take a picture! Nikki and I were in and out in less than 2 hours; a big difference from last time’s 4 hour event.

We stopped for lunch afterwards… and lunch has confirmed to me that I can’t eat after chemo… because once again I am nauseous and the food is just sitting in my stomach. Lesson learned.

Dan is currently on the hunt for a very berry hibiscus refresher from Starbucks because those make me feel better… but our local Starbucks said they weren’t making them anymore! Of course I found one not too far that is still making them because I’m resourceful that way ???.

I am slowly getting used to the PICC line. It definitely made the chemo process faster and easier today. My hair is also still falling out fast and furious but I have so much that I’m not bald yet… so still dealing with everything covered in hair. Keela is still a wait and see if she passes what she ate… ?. We are just a lovely mess! But you have to laugh!

So here I go… the next few days will be rough but I’ve planned ahead to ensure I stay active during my worst days. I’m not sure how much I will be able to blog because some of the side effects are that my vision becomes really bad and my concentration deteriorates.. but I will update you all when I can.

Make sure to drink wine for me and have fun ?!

Today is a day… quite frankly it’s a pretty crappy day. Not because of cancer, but because there has just been too much and that makes the cancer even more annoying to deal with.

I got my PICC line this morning and saw the oncologist. Other than the pain of the line in my arm the rest is ok. I’ve got the clean bill of health and am all set to go for chemo tomorrow.

Where it all falls off the rails is when I was distracted by making my lunch and a “coneless” Keela sneaked away and go into something and ate it….. F! So when I realized I rushed her to the emergency vet. They induced vomiting but it didn’t work. So here we are, post op from last weeks blockage, to another potential blockage… I can’t cope… it’s just too much right now. My arm aches, I have chemo tomorrow, my hair is still falling out all over the place, and my beloved puppy is at serious risk.

Today is shitty f’ing day!

Lots of positivity my way would be much appreciated because right now I’m all out ?