For my fourth chemo (and the next/last 2) the drug used is Docetaxol. It’s not one that makes you sick generally, although some to do experience that side effect. For most, the side effects are fatigue ✅, bone pain ✅, red itchy skin ✅, finger numbness, water retention ✅ and a multitude of other things that you don’t really don’t want to know about.
Today most of those effects made an appearance. I was completely wiped out this morning. Going up the stairs was hard… like my-muscles-have-never-been-used-before hard! I was so tired by 10am I had to go back to bed. I slept an hour, then got up – no dragged myself out of bed – got into my workout clothes and went downstairs to kick my own ass!
It was not easy! But I did it.
As I was walking on the treadmill after spinning on the bike, my mind suddenly wandered… normally I can only think about finishing the task, but not today. Today my mind went to that place I don’t really like.. reality. Today my mind decided to remind I have cancer. Believe it or not, I actually don’t really think about it.. I just do what I have to do. But my mind blared at me “you have cancer! Look at you, you are completely bald, you’re swelling up like a balloon, you have one boob and one extremely long scar for the other, AND you have tube in your vein that is 45cm and runs from your arm into your heart!” WTF!!!
The next thing my mind went to was “how the hell did you end up here, looking like this, feeling like this, with cancer?” The short answer is I ended up like this because of a multitude of reasons but mostly because of my personality, because I didn’t take care of ME. Luckily I am self-aware enough to know what I need to do to fight this and not end back here.
But for now, my brain has reminded me loud and clear that I do have cancer, and I’m still fighting for my life, no matter how bald, bloated and lopsided I appear 😉.