Calm, peaceful, happy

If I say it enough maybe I will believe and maybe it will become my reality. I think, if I try really hard to imagine myself lying on this beach, at my favourite resort, surrounded by the sound of the waves hitting the beach, I think just maybe I can be calm, I can be peaceful, I can be happy… even if only for a flicker of a moment.

So let’s try!

I’m lying on a beach bed, my whole body extended and my head resting on comfy pillows, completely relaxed. All I hear are the waves and the water hitting the sand; moving back and forth, back and forth. I have a relaxed semi smile. The warm air touches my skin and the tension in my shoulders falls away. I am surrounded by light and my mind is clear. Shane sits on the edge of the ocean playing in the sand, Madison is next to me reading, Dan is walking on the beach on the way back from the bar with two mojitos in hand (both for him of course ?).

Right now, in this moment, I am peaceful, I am calm, I am happy.

As reality comes back I am sad. I am fearful and uncertain with a nagging pit in my stomach that has been there for several days. But as the days have gone by these feelings have intensified and brought me to this point in time where I have to find ways to calm myself.

Earlier I did yoga followed by chanting and meditation. Nothing I am a good at but I have to do something.

Now I write. Writing is probably the most effective way for me to deal with the anxiety.. Especially writing about lying on the beach…. LOL!

Tomorrow I go back for chemo #4 and a new protocol, hence the anxiety. I hate the unknown…. I can’t control it so how I can I like it! This chemo is known to cause allergic reactions.. more possible fun. Just what I was looking (She said in a sarcastic tone!).

For now I will keep rereading this post until my mind is convinced I am lying on that beach ?…