Truth… Cancer has brought me here.
Where is here? Here is tomorrow starting chemo. Here is this moment, or the last few… here is holding back on what I am truly feeling. Here is filled with anxiety and fear. Here is where I have no control. Here is where I can’t cope with daily tasks because I’m trying to keep it together.
Truth… I am not scared of anything so this has to be some scary shit!
What am I scared of? I’m scared of the stupid IV they are going to stick in my arm.. I hate IVs!! I’m scared I will have a bad reaction the moment the cancer killing poison starts flowing thru my veins. I’m scared of losing my hair, especially my eyelashes. I’m scared I will be weak and fragile. I’m scared of the fact that the chemo will affect my ability to concentrate and focus. I’m scared the zillion meds they are giving me to reduce the sickness and nausea won’t work. Basically I’m scared of the reality that I don’t yet know. I’m scared of tomorrow…. and what I will become.
And let’s be honest, I’m scared of dying.
Right now all I can do is ride this ugly wave… so to distract myself I will think of the good times with all my family and good friends who I spent time with in the last few weeks 😊❤️.