I have many emotions weaving in and out of my body and mind right now. Thoughts that I quickly push away into a corner of my brain so that the emotions don’t overtake my very thin thread of control. Because really what is the point? To give in to the fear would only be a disadvantage to me as cancer would be momentarily winning this battle, and it won’t, so I can’t give into the fear, not even for fleeting moment.
To further solidify my determination, I must also reassure my very scared children. This is the most difficult reality of this journey; they are terrified and tonight that fear is the only reality they know.
I started to write that I wish I had something good to share, and then realized that I do: so many dear friends and family have reached out to me today. The words, the silence when needed, and the support have been very important for me.
As I go into the hospital tomorrow I will carry all of this with me. I won’t be perfect, but I will smile my way through it and continue to be determined to fight this battle with all my strength and with my army of friends and family behind me.